Put a smile on your face. [:

So tonight in youth group, i realized something. I haven't laughed in a long time. Like truly genuinely laughed. Now i know, "Megan not laughing?! Blasphemy!!" But its true. Now i giggle, but its really half-hearted, and i chuckle at things here and there but im not really laughing. Im just going through the motions, putting a smile on my face.

Lately, lots of people have been asking me if i miss Ignite, and wish i was there still. There are two answers to this question. Yes i miss Ignite. No i do not wish i was still in it. I loved Ignite, it was the second best thing that's happened to me in all my life, (the first being: Meeting Joel&Jacq and finding Jesus!) but im glad im done with it. (for my first year at least[;) It stretched me, taught me, found me, and strengthened me. It changed my life. I found true friends, who God/Jesus/Holy Spirit are in every aspect in my life. How they talk to me, teach me, form me, love me, protect me. I found out who the real me was. Not just this person who was putting a smile on everyone's face, to make them feel more comfortable to like me, for who they though i was. The rules, as great as they were...stunk quite a bit at times, especially cause they never waved them..even if it was for a "Jesus moment." Haha. But because of the unwavering, it helped me be disciplined.
           I extremely miss Ignite for the fellowship and Jesus aspect. People there saw me. The real me. They heard me. It was refeshing. Jesus is everywhere you look. In everything you do. It was the first place i felt normal. Everyone wanted to do exactly what i wanted to do, had struggles they were facing, loved Jesus and wanted to love him even more. It was amazing. It was home. Family. We all were seeking Jesus. We all want to change the world bring it closer to Gods Kingdom. Bring the joy and love that we feel everyday, to the darkest parts of our world. Make them Shine. Make them Laugh. Make them Love. Joy was the ultimate feeling i had there, other than love. Love just fueled my joy even more though. I was genuinely loved there. I laughed constantly. It was heaven..or close to it. [:
         Its crazy seeing going from a family who knows me, loves me and sees me, to a family who loves me with restrictions, sees me when they need me, knows only what they want to see, has had such a big impact on my life. I slowly realized that its not the people that stop my laughing but its me. My Joy comes from the Lord. I've been told that my whole life. From many different people, christian and non-christian. God is the biggest part of who i am.  I called Ignite my "save haven" it was my sanctuary. It was a place where i didnt have to be afraid to show my true colors. It was a place i could lay everything on the table and say "this is me!", and everyone would say "Awesome! lets go to Yogurtland and then have quick worship sesh!" At home i have to keep everything i am in a box. Its something that ive always known, but never understood why i had to do it. Around my friends i am Megs. Crazy, Joyful, Spunky, a dork, real. Around my family i am "MEGAN ELISE CUMMINGS!!!" lazy, rude, uninvolved/too involved, never does anything right, fake.  I'm done being fake. I'm done putting a smile on my face. Laughing isnt just something that i do. Its how i live. Its why i see the cup as half full. It makes my day brighter. I  need to get away and make sure i have that real time. It stinks that i cant be me with my family, but im also thankful for it. Im thankful because even though im in a place where i cant be real, God gives me real places. I have friends and "family" where i can be real. I have my best friends. I have my church family, i have my Hess' family, I have Jesus. I can be me. I can be real, no matter where i am.

Going back to youth group-the Holy Spirit showed up in a huge way tonight. It was absolutly amazing. He filled our hearts. Most of us Laughed, a few wept. We laughed for an hour straight. So much, so hard. My whole body ached. It was the best thing in months. I literally laughed off layers and layers of ice that has been building on my heart since being home. It was a much need feeling and eye opener. I laughed and laughed, at literally nothing. Nothing but the fact that God is amazing. I laughed until i cried, and then cried until i laughed. Funniest feeling ever! Ive been going through a lot of stuff lately, friend drama, responsibilities, growing up/becoming an adult, family crudola. Crazy stuff and ive been stuck in it. Stuck in a half empty day. Tonight God showed me how to change it to a half-full day. Pray, let God, Laugh. That is how i will put a smile on my face; Pray, let God, laugh.